Average Joes
When I started this blog in January, I had ambitions of writing either insightful cultural commentaries or daily reflections on political events--or better yet--some combination of the two. What I have found, though, is that I haven't wanted to devote the time to churning out a constant stream of thoughts and reflections for an invisible and possibly nonexistent audience, so over the past year, my contributions have been almost nonexistent, as well. In the next month--and over the coming year--that pattern may begin to change. I'm increasingly of the opinion that as I am more inclined to create longer pieces than shorter ones, I should aspire to write regular (biweekly perhaps, and maybe eventually daily) reflections on one topic rather than many short, different ones. In other words, my blogging might be more consistent and of a higher quality if I aspire to be more like James Lileks or the writers at the Independent Gay Forum than if I aspire to be like Andrew Sullivan or Glenn Reynolds, with their constant ongoing commentary on all kinds of issues. By temperament, I am more of a reflective essayist than a pundit, but I think I forgot that when I started this blog. I still hope to do short commentaries on films, books, television, and so on, but first I must master the challenge of writing longer, more reflective pieces.

As a way into that, I would like to briefly consider one of my guilty pleasures during the past few months, the television program Average Joe. Viewers of the program will recall the premise, a new twist on those other "reality dating" programs: set a beautiful woman up with a group of decidedly average-looking (and in some cases, just plain unattractive) men and see if she can look past appearance to see the person inside. I'll spare recounting the twists and turns of the program. Suffice it to say, there was quite a variety of male characters on display, from the obnoxious jerk to the tender-hearted nerd to the quirky and somewhat funny (if slightly sophomoric) Wall Street Trader. And just when we thought we knew who the finalists might be, the producers threw three pretty boys into the mix, a model, a student, and I don't remember what the third one did. It all culminated in the final episdoe where Melana had to choose between Adam, the "Average Joe" Wall Street Trader and Jason, the pretty boy student from Irvine, CA. Although the big twist of the final episode was the revelation that Adam was actually a millionaire (while Jason lived at home with his parents), in the end beauty trumped bucks and Melana chose Jason over Adam. She tried to justify it by talking about how impressed she was with Jason's character and his goals and so on, but most of us watching wondered what she was talking about since--aside from his appearance--everything about Jason seemed decidedly average in a way that Adam did not.

In the past, I would have bemoaned this ending as an example of the "nice guy" syndrome, whereby women are always choosing the "bad boy" (who is often wilder, better looking, etc., etc.) over the "nice guy" who would make a better husband and father and so on. That syndrome was nicely summarized by a recent article in the New York Times which reported on some academic research that offered a penetrating glimpse into the obvious. When women are looking for a good time, according to the resarch, they'll chose the "cad" over the "dad," but when they're looking to settle down, they'll eventually choose the "dad." So far there's no news here. Now I'm not saying that Jason was a "cad." Unlike the creepy Zach--who Melana booted when he made all sorts of insulting comments after seeing her in a fat suit--Jason seemed like a perfectly nice guy, only one who looked much more attractive than your average Joe. The only troublesome part, I suppose, was that she tried to rationalize the obvious physical attraction by talking about it in other terms, as though Jason's character or ambitions were so impressive that his appearance was simply a bonus.

My viewing of the final episode, however, was colored by recent developments in my own life, developments that made me understand in a way that I hadn't before what it might mean or feel like to make such a choice. I recently moved to a new city, and since relocating here, I have tried various ways of getting to know new people in the hopes of establishing a new network of friends. On the Saturday before that episode aired, I decided to visit a place that I had been curious about for some time, and since then my life hasn't been the same. For not only was visiting this hangout a new experience for me, but much that has happened since then has also been new, although it has mostly been quite welcome. When I entered this new hangout, I felt rather odd, but I decided to sit down, relax, and see what happened. Rather quickly one person at the end of the room caught my eye. I wanted to approach him, and yet I felt uncertain, nervous and anxious.

Soon enough, another guy sat next to me and started talking, and within a short while he had introduced me to several other people, including the guy who had caught my eye earlier. I'll call the guy seated next to me C and the guy in the corner of the room R. As C and I kept talking, it turned out we had a lot in common, we shared a number of the same interests and we found many things to talk about. It turns out that C is quite successful, a leader in the community, someone who knows all kinds of people around town, including some folks at my workplace. I liked C, and I appreciated his friendliness. But I didn't imagine us being anything other than friends. I kept looking in the direction of the TV (which was also, as it happened, in the direction of R, though I didn't think he noticed my glances down towards him). Soon enough, though, R started making eyes at me, flirting across the room. A short while later, R got up and came over to sit down by me, reaching over to touch me on occasion. We started talking, and although I quickly came to realize that our backgrounds, interests, and so on were very different and that there were signs R might not be the most reliable person, I really liked him nonetheless. When C saw I was talking to R, he tried to warn me about him, but as C was also fascinated by me, I couldn't tell whether C was motivated by serious concern or simply jealousy.

This sounds idiotic, I know, like the musings of a shallow, stereotypical sorority girl reflecting on her love life. I will not deny the idiocy of it all. But that is also my point. Until that moment, I had never experienced anything like these feelings before in my life. Until that moment, I had almost always felt like the Average Joe, being rejected by those who considered me too dull or too unsuccessful or too plain-looking to capture their interest. Yet in that moment, and in some of the days since, I got a sense of what it might be like to be wanted, I got a sense of what it felt like to be desirable.

I am not writing these things to sound pathetic. I had turned down other kinds of suitors in the past: the eastern college which sent letter after letter asking me to come, only to have me reject it for a more glamorous and more competitive institution in the northeast; the graduate school that offered me an appealing fellowship, only to have me reject it for an institution with a bigger name. I have also had the experience of choosing one employer over another, or leaving an employer for a better job elsewhere. But until that moment at the local hangout, I had never known what it felt like to have two people on either side of me vying for my attention and interest because they both found me attractive and interesting. I wish everyone could know what that felt like.

While previously I might have been tempted to bemoan Melana's decision, therefore, I couldn't do so because in my own personal drama, I, too, was drawn more to the comely and easygoing R than to the accomplished and successful C. But unlike Melana, I will freely admit that my strong attraction to R is largely superficial, and even the remark C made disparaging him hasn't scared me away. R has not accomplished as much with his life as C has; R does not seem as cultured or as well-connected, and yet I still like him. I respond both to his appearance and to his energy. Our conversations are not deep or profound, but they are not awkward or strained, either. I have kept in touch with both of them during the past few weeks, though now things have changed a bit. I think I'll be friends with both of them, but I think that's all we'll be, even in the case of flirty R.

I suppose my reaction to the two of them may help explain the exasperation of some gays to those of us who consider ourselves bisexual. At this point, I am much more oriented towards men than towards women, and yet, if I had to choose whether to pursue a serious relationship with either of these fellows, I'd probably choose R, even though I also know that the chances for long-term compatibility might be better with C. I like C, and I think he's a great fellow, but I feel so little attraction towards him, it hardly seems worth the energy, the effort, and the enormous social and psychological costs to seriously pursue a long-term relationship with him. I know I'd have a good time with R, but in the case of C, I'm sure I'd find myself wondering if I wouldn't have been better off waiting for a more appealing woman to come along. Although I have trouble imagining myself in a long-term, committed relationship with a woman at this point in my life, I can't dismiss the possibility of such a scenario if it means not settling for a relationship with the wrong guy.

And so, perhaps it is that attitude that keeps me from being an "Average Joe" any more. I might not be the best-looking guy in the room, I may not be the smartest, and I'm certainly not the most effective blogger. But I am not desparate for a relationship in the way that many of the "Average Joes" on that program were.